It's The Most Wonderful Time Of The Year... for me. :)

Almost all of you read that title and thought of Christmas. Make no mistake, this is not about Christmas at all. My recent distaste for that holiday will be in a later entry. (it has nothing to do with religion, I assure you.) My favorite time of year is Fall/Autumn/Harvest, whatever you may call it. There is just something magical in the air this time of year that gets to me every time. That, and football comes back. ;) Leaves change color, everyone goes to the local orchard for cider and donuts, and Halloween is right around the corner. (There will be an entry soon about why Halloween is my favorite holiday also.) There isn't really any depth or complex thought in this entry, I just wanted to remind everyone to take a moment and feel the magic that Fall brings. Go on a walk and take pictures of the scenery, go on a hayride, take the kids to the park and let them play in the fallen leaves. We all need a little bit of beauty in our otherwise stressful lives. Why not take advantage of the beauty Fall has to offer? Now if you'll excuse me, I have to go take some Fall pictures of my own... and run all those pesky errands that follow us no matter what season. At least I'll have beautiful scenery to run around in!

I'm So Sick

This is going to be more of a rant rather than an actual blog..... but just go with me on this one.

I'm sick. And not in the physical sense. I'm sick of being afraid to post things on Facebook that may offend or piss off someone. I'm sick of everyone trying to tell me what they think is best for my life, when in reality none of them know me well enough to say anything in the first place. I'm sick of not being able to let it roll off my back when others don't approve of me. I'm sick of it all. I'm really afraid I am going to either end up going crazy, or turning into a complete bitch. Neither of which I want to do. I just want to be able to have spine enough to live my life. I'm just so sick of being made to feel inadequate by damn near everyone. I'm just oh so very sick.

Patience......

For any of you who know me, you know I am not a patient person by nature. My natural curiosity levels run 3 to 4 times higher than the average person. Today my patience is being oh so tested.

In order to get my apartment, I have to wait on verification papers from work, the bank, and my apartment in Kentucky. Also, I have to wait for 3 letters of reference from people not related to me. Needless to say, there is an empty apartment with my name on it, and it's sitting vacant. I feel like there is something I should be doing, yet on the same token I know all I can do is wait now. I hate feeling helpless. I just want to get it the freak done already.

My lack of patience stems from where I am at in my life right now. I am at a crossroads of a sorts. I finally started thinking and acting for myself. And now, that I have made my decisions, I have to wait for them to take shape. I am more than ready to start this next chapter of my life. I have never felt so sure about the choices I have made. I want to get this started. Instead, I keep hitting hurdles. Maybe the hurdles are to keep me from doing too much too soon. I'm not sure yet. All I know is that I am standing on the verge of the life that I want, and I have to be patient. Maybe it's time to break out the Serenity Prayer. Who knows. On the same token, everything is falling into place, thus confirming that my choices are the correct ones. So maybe the patience is all a part of the greater scheme of things. Maybe I need to learn to breathe.

That is one blessing that I have. I have someone who keeps me breathing, keeps me grounded. More about that person in blogs to come. The situation is complicated to say the least. I also have great friends who are supporting me no matter where I go. Without these people, I would truly be going insane. I have a loving father and family to help me..... maybe I should stop my bitching and count my blessings. Anyway, I have finally gotten the lady balls to stand up for myself, and I am not going to let my lack of patience derail me. I may not have all the answers, or the results when I want them. What I do have is a great support system and the confidence that my life is finally going in the right direction. I can't wait to start living it. My way, for once. (Go ahead Stacey, say "It's about damn time!" Lol It only took me how many years to listen to you?)

Stand By Me, or Not. I don't care.

For most of you who know me, you know that I have spent a great deal of my 26 years on this planet trying to make everyone else happy. All this has gotten me is very miserable and very frustrated. After 26 years, I have decided to finally do what makes me happy. I am going to make my own choices. I am making my own decision. I am fully aware that this could create some very negative reactions, as most of you are used to me giving a shit about what you all want me to do. I have to do the things I am going to do in the next 6 months for me, and me alone. Call me selfish. Call me a bitch. I honestly don't give a flying fuck anymore. I have to start making Natalie happy, not all of you. So here we go, a new book is being written starting now. Actually, to be honest, I have already started the process of making these all important life changing choices. I figure that the people who really love me, will still be there with me when this is all said and done. If not, then I guess our relationship was awfully one sided, now wasn't it. You can be shocked at my forthcoming decisions. You can disagree with them. You can tell me I am making the biggest mistakes ever. That's all up to you. Just remember before you start yelling at me, that you have all told me at one point "I love you, and I just want you to be happy. And to do what is right for you." It's time to put your money where your mouth is.

Stop questioning, start living!!!

Eventually all the pieces fall into place. Until then, laugh at the confusion, live for the moment, and know that everything happens for a reason.

I read that this morning, and it stirred up a bunch of thoughts/ emotions in my head. So I thought, what better thing to do than to share them with you!

Here we go. I, like a lot of twenty somethings I know, am in a state of confusion. I am constantly trying to figure out who I am, what my purpose is in this life, where I am supposed to be... you name it. Some days it seems like nothing makes sense, like none of the pieces seem to fit together. Most of the time it seems that the pieces contradict each other, only creating more confusion. My major flaw here is that I love to analyze the snot out of things. I have to have a conclusion, closure. I like major life questions wrapped up in a neat package with a bow on top, complete with color picture directions. I think if we are honest with ourselves, most of us do. I mean, who likes to be confused? Don't we all just want answers?

I believe that everyone we meet, we meet for a reason. Every choice we make, everyday we make for a reason. There are going to be times where you are asking yourself, "why me?! why now?! what's the bigger picture here?!" I am here to encourage you to stop questioning it, and live it. If we never take a chance and see things through, we'll never know the answers we seek. I know it is hard to just live each day for each day. I struggle with it constantly. Lately I have started to stop questioning, and just enjoy the ride. It may change your entire point of view, it may change nothing. If you never try, you'll never know. Take the risk. Live in the moment. Follow your heart. Take the leap of faith. You may just be surprised where it takes you.

this is what a desperate blog looks like

Wow, it has been forever since I have done this. But sometimes, as they say, you do what you have to do. So I have a question for everyone out there. That is assuming that someone still reads this. Do you believe that there are certian people that are supposed to only be in your life for a short period of time, but that is it? Or do you believe that all people start out that way, and it develops into something bigger? This is what, quite literally, keeps me up at night. There are some people that I have been able to "let go" of pretty easily. But then there are the other people, who for whatever reason, I am stuck on like a band aid. and I have tried to move on, tried to let go, tried to not care. but it never works. maybe I am doing it wrong. I don't know anymore. the truth is, I wish that somethings never had to change. I know that sounds childish. and maybe selfish. maybe that is my problem overall. I am a selfish creature. and by trying to hold on to something so hard, maybe all I am doing is creating more hurt. Maybe by not being able to let go, I am further hurting the people I am holding on to so desperately. thoughts? leave them for me. even if it is to tell me I am selfish . I just don't know what else to do anymore.