this is what a desperate blog looks like

Wow, it has been forever since I have done this. But sometimes, as they say, you do what you have to do. So I have a question for everyone out there. That is assuming that someone still reads this. Do you believe that there are certian people that are supposed to only be in your life for a short period of time, but that is it? Or do you believe that all people start out that way, and it develops into something bigger? This is what, quite literally, keeps me up at night. There are some people that I have been able to "let go" of pretty easily. But then there are the other people, who for whatever reason, I am stuck on like a band aid. and I have tried to move on, tried to let go, tried to not care. but it never works. maybe I am doing it wrong. I don't know anymore. the truth is, I wish that somethings never had to change. I know that sounds childish. and maybe selfish. maybe that is my problem overall. I am a selfish creature. and by trying to hold on to something so hard, maybe all I am doing is creating more hurt. Maybe by not being able to let go, I am further hurting the people I am holding on to so desperately. thoughts? leave them for me. even if it is to tell me I am selfish . I just don't know what else to do anymore.

This I Pray

So, there has been one thought on my mind a lot lately. And that thought has been working through bitterness/anger that I keep feeling for a handful of people in my life. When I stop and think about it, this bitterness is doing nothing but tearing me down. By being angry and bitter and reacting in a negative manner, I am no different from the people who I feel bitter twards. In the end, my feeling bitter and angry does nothing but stress me out. And, it gives the people I have these feelings twards the satisifaction of seeing me stressed, angry and bitter. I know that is really all that they want, to see me stress. They want to get under my skin, to know they've gotten to me. So this week I have decided to pray daily that God helps me work past these feelings. That when faced with a situation, I learn to let it go, as opposed to being angry/bitter. Life is too short and to precious a gift to spend it so stressed/angry/bitter. So I am going to focus on that. I am going to live my life to the fullest. I am going to be the woman God has created me to be. I am going to work on focusing on the positives in my life as opposed to the negatives. I know it is not going to be easy, but that is the incredible thing about God. He will be there to help me through when life gets hard. And he alone can change my heart and my thoughts. I pray that he does just that. I pray that he changes the way I think, so I no longer think toxic thoughts. I pray that he teaches me to love everyone as he loves everyone, so I may not have a hard heart. And I pray that he allows his love to show though me, so that everyone will know this life about him and him alone.

Does It Ever End?

So, this is going to be more of a vent than a blog, but I have got to get this out somewhere. Ok, here goes. Why, oh why are there girls in this world who thrive off creating drama for people?? And why, does it seem, that they always find me? Everyone out there knows the kind of girl that I am talking about. The ignorant ones who can't take a feaking hint, even when it hits them in the freaking forehead. The girl who always wants someone else's guy, the girl who has to get her little not-so-subtle digs in every chance she gets. The girl who, no matter how many times a guy says "get over it", still thinks he wants her back. I was really hoping that I had left all of those girls back in, gee, I don't know, MIDDLE SCHOOL. But nooooo, they seem to have followed me into my 20's. freaking awesome. And I know that this angry/vent kind of blog will not change a darn thing, but I can't hold it all inside. My head will explode, and I am not giving anyone that kind of satisfaction. So if ou have any ideas/thoughts/suggestions on how to learn to deal with these kinds of girls, feel free to leave them. I know someone will say "just ignore her, she'll go away." but we all know that is a noble idea, but it is not the truth of the matter. I just need to know ways to chillax myself and not want to pop the heads off girls after they pull one of their little stunts. That is my vent/rant, I am done now, I am going to listen to "Misery Business" by Paramore, and pretend that every girl in the world like I have just described can hear me.

I give it all to you.

Good morning everyone!! I'm writing this blog while snuggling in my hoodie with a warm mug of coffee. Fall is on it's way, that's for sure. I love fall. There is just something in the air in the fall that you don't get any other time of the year. Almost like a kind of magic in the air... it's a feeling...it's hard to explain. I just love it. Fall is a wonderful time for year to see God in action everywhere. The leaves changing colors, the change in weather... How can anyone experience fall and not see God in every moment, is beyond me. Anyway, as the seasons are changing, I have been thinking a lot about the ways that God has been at work in my life. I have to take time ot praise him for my brother coming home from Afghanistan early! He'll be home in December, rather than in May!! And the Lord is keeping him safe everyday. I can't wait to have him home soon. Also, ever since moving to Kentucky, the Lord has brought some amazing people in my life. He has blessed me with some incredible friends! They are all christian friends, who encourage me to look to God first in all that I do. He has also brought a guy into my life who is the definition of a gentleman. He is everything I have ever wanted in a guy, and then some. Even if he is a Buckeye. :) All of the people that God has brought into my life like me for me, they accept me the way that I am. And that is all I could ever ask for. God has also ignited a passion in me to go back to school for christian counseling/youth ministry. I am no longer afraid to use the gifts that he has given me. I am starting to embrace the many possibilities that he has for my life. It's hard to put into words, but through the Lord, I am starting to see myself as worthy, talented, and even beautiful. People who have known me for years are rejoycing right now. :) I guess I just wanted to take a blog and not only update y'all, but I wanted to give thanks and the glory to the only one who could initiate this kind of change in me: Jesus Christ. I would not be where I am today if it was not for him and his work in my life. I am blessed beyond what I am deserving of.

It's Not About Me

Here is a thought for the day: You know you are growing up when someone else's happiness means more to you than your own. It seems pretty easy, right? Being happier for someone else. But when most of us think of being happy for someone, it is for a day, or for a moment. Then at the end of that day or moment, we are more concerned with our own well being than with that other person. It's not a crime, it's our nature. We are, first and foremost, concerned about ourselves. But what happens when on a daily basis, you are more concerned with someone else's happiness above your own?? It blows your mind, espically when you don't even think about it. That is what happened to me.
It hit me as I was texting Josh from college. And as much as I miss him, and as much as it sucks to not have him here, all I was concerned about was him. Was he happy, was he safe? My own well being did not even cross my mind. All I could think about was his well being. He did, in fact, make it there safe and sound. And he is happy. And as soon as he told me that he was happy, I felt a rush of relief over me. Like I could be happy because he was happy. That is when it hit me, that in the end, my own happiness was not the issue. This got me to thinking.
If I could be this way more, what would my life be like? Would I be a happier person? Would there be just a little more love and happiness in the world? What if we all cared about someone else's happiness over our own? I think that if we all cared more about someone else then ourselves, there would be a lot less pain in this world. That maybe, just maybe it would heal some of the pain in the world. So this is my challenge to you all out there in blog land. Think about the last time you put someone else's well being above your own. Ask yourself how it effected you. And then ask yourself why we don't do this more often.

Jumping Off The Deep End

Everyone talks about moments of faith. Moments where you are scared to death, but you know that you need to do it anyway. I have had a few minor moments like this before, but nothing like this one. I have, as many of you may already know, felt a call to be involved with youth ministry for some years now. And I have never really gone after it, because I have been afraid to take that leap. Since I have moved to Kentucky, it has become evident to me that there may be more to this than I thought there was. Maybe, just maybe God is calling me to do something more than youth ministry. Maybe God is calling me to be a christian counselor. Mostly for kids and young adults, but a counselor, nonetheless. So I have been praying about it a lot, and asking him to show me what direction he wants me to take with this. And after meeting with my pastor today, it is very clear to me that I am to go after this. So, depending on how it all works out, I am going to be going back to school for counseling. I want to stay as close to here as possible. Believe it or not, I am falling in love with the Cincinnati area. I still have to check into finantial aid and such, but my plan is to get this ball rolling here. So I am going to take that leap of faith, and take comfort in knowing that God will never let go of me. He has taken me this far, and I know he will see me the rest of the way through it. I can't let me being afraid hold me back any longer. I desire to do what God has planned for me. And letting my fear stand in the way of that is no longer an option. So I am going to put my fear aside, and go for it. It's kinda of neat, in a way. I am scared as heck, but at the same time I feel that God is going to use this to teach me more about myself, and about other people. And I know that in the end, I will be doing his will. And that, my friend, is the most exciting part of it all.

You Deserve Much Better Than Me

So, this is my first blog in a long time. And I apologize for the heaviness of this topic. We've all had people in our lives that we have had to walk away from. People that have meant the world to us, but we had to walk away. I recently had to make this decision. Let me tell you, it never gets easier. Espically when you want to wake up in the morning and text them, or call them. You are suddenly without someone who has been such a big part of your life. But in the end, you know that walking away is the best thing for both of you. You both want (and need) different things out of life. Holding onto each other would only be the beginning of the end for you both, and you know it. But this fact doesn't stop it from tearing you apart. From making it hard to breathe. From making it impossible to go through one day without thinking about that person you had to let go. I keep thinking about the statement that if you let someone go, and they come back to you, they are meant to be in your life. But the part that everyone leaves out is what happens if they don't come back? What do you do when they move on entirely, and leave you holding your broken heart in your hand? (on my gosh, that sounded emo. I apologize.) How are you supposed to pick up and move on? Nobody ever tells you what to do if they are gone for good. So what do you do? Someone out there has to know. Or do we all just walk around in agony, pretending like it doesn't kill us everyday. I have no idea.
In much, much happier news, there is 112 days until New Moon!!! That's right, I am a big enough geek that I am counting down. Deal with it. Also, Rob Zombie's H2 comes out on the 28th!!! I am gearing up for a good old fashioned slasher/horror/gore fest. It sounds just like what the doctor ordered. Rob Zombie is good for my sanity. :) What else.... oh snap! The loser who directed Blade thinks he needs to massacre "The Crow" by remaking it. I hope Brandon Lee's family is pissed off. I know I am. This guy thinks he can just waltz in and ruin one of the best movies ever. The main reason that it bothers me is that he is planning on taking out all of the essential elements that make The Crow the movie it is. Like the goth feeling and undertones. SERIOUSLY!!! if you take that away, it is not The Crow anymore. He doesn't want to honor the movie, he wants to insult it in the worst way possible. For example, when Zombie decided to remake Halloween, he added his own twists to the story. But he tried as hard as he possibly could to make it as true to the original as possible. He didn't want to let down the die hard fans of the original. Same with H2. Even though it is all his own story line, he realized that he is using Michael Meyers. So he is, once again, trying to make it as true to the franchise as possible. Maybe Zombie should tell this other director how to go about this without pissing off the true fans of "The Crow". Although I doubt the new guy would listen.
That's going to be it for now. I'll try to update more often.
Rock On,
Bella